I’m driving myself cray cray trying to find healing methods. The journey has been long and it’s neverending. I’m not sleeping again and it’s driving me insane. I recall nights a decade ago when I couldn’t sleep worrying about my children, such as a situation they encountered or the night before an IEP meeting. Those sleepless nights were sporadic and I was younger and could recover faster. Now in my fifties, it’s killing me. Every morning I awake at 3 or 4 am (I celebrate if it’s after 5 am) and thoughts ruminate through my head. Thoughts of the day ahead, things I forgot to do, anything for that matter. I close my eyes, try and drift off to sleep but it doesn’t happen and I lay there in the dark, tempted to check the time on the clock. After what feels like half an hour, I check the time and usually it’s before 5 am.
Gone are the days I could sleep in. I remember getting irritated with the chirping birds in the morning, but if I ever woke up to chirping birds again, I’d be thrilled. They chirp after 6 a.m.
This is my insomnia and it’s chronic.
I have a mandibular device (to combat the sleep apnea), sleep mask, ear plugs, white noise machine, pumping sleep supplements, get out for morning sun (circadian rhythm), get exercise, meditate, eat well, do neurofeedback, osteopath, blah blah blah and then some. It’s so irritating. I’m tired of this f… shit. My brain is wired differently and it sucks butt. And I’m dead tired and praying for bedtime like when the kids were little.
I remember when I first got sick 10 years ago from chronic stress and overmedication, I couldn’t sleep barely a wink for 6 weeks. I’d get half an hour or an hour here and there. I finally got somewhat healthy sleeping well for a year and this starts again. Damn hormones, I’m in the perimenopause phase and I got teenagers.
No solution here, just suffering. But I won’t be defeated. I keep saying, “This too shall pass” like everything else has.