I’m a driven, perfectionist mom with an ADHD son, who’s aim in life is finding the easy way out. As my first-born son, he was handled with care and coddled. To me, he was a fragile being and I didn’t want anything to harm his self-esteem. If I could start again, here are five things I would have done differently.
- Created structure early on and be consistent. Make sure he understands what’s acceptable and what’s not. When he was young, my primary method for poor behavior was distraction, while trying to avoid using the word, “no!”
- Teach him to think of others and empathize. Being a first-born, he was spoiled with attention and getting everything he wanted. I’m a first-born too, so that didn’t help things.
- Accept earlier that team sports are not his thing. We tried soccer, baseball, football, track, and basketball. For all those sports, he lacked sustained effort and was rather slow. He runs like a robot. He finally excelled at ice skating, but that was after years of enduring the pain of watching him sit on the sidelines on the field and off.
- Choosing things that interested him and/or requiring him to try new experiences when he was younger. Wish I ignored his complaints and signed him up without buy-in. Frankly, I was weakened with the meltdowns and lacked the strength.
- Figure out a way in which he would be intrinsically motivated. It seems we were always rewarding him for good behavior and doing things in return for something. He grew to expect it. I hate “sticker” charts! Now it’s about keeping privileges vs. being rewarded. It’s interesting how my teenage son becomes likable and helpful, when he loses his electronics.
- Let him fail and face consequences. Easier to learn this at an early age. He lacked executive functioning skills, and I compensated with my own. Not a problem when he was younger, but I didn’t stop early enough.
We have opposite styles and it’s hard for me to relate to him nowadays. I try to remember what it was like at 17, and he’s a much better kid than I. Something happens when you become an old parent. You forget what it’s like to be 17, you forget a lot of things. These days, I am trying to remember to practice acceptance, patience, and tolerance…up to a point. And keep nagging to a minimum. Easier said than done.