I remember, someone once told me, “get them where it hurts.” That is, whatever your child desires most, will make the most effective consequence. As they get older, the consequence changes – from screen time to car keys. I have two kids that need a firm hand, and the calm one by default ended up on the same plan, to make things manageable.
Our strategy to making our kids comply was two-fold:
- Get them where it hurts (take away the things that mean the most). At the beginning, we took away all privileges (for a matter of 3-hour increments). Nowadays, it’s electronic devices that get put away.
- Have them do a chore. It helps the family and decreased my anger. Our famous chore was pulling two buckets of weeds, in the hot sun, in front of the house, where everyone could see.
But the greatest consequence, when one of them was being terribly disrespectful and we couldn’t stand it any longer, was to take everything out of their room, except their bedding and furniture. Since my kids are all dyslexic and didn’t like to read, I’d make an exception for books (secretly hoping in vain that they’d start reading). We’d bag things in trash bags, and they could earn items back, day by day, depending on their behavior. It only took a few days, no matter how strong-willed the child, to turn things around.
It’s amazing seeing an oppositional defiant child, turn helpful, kind, and engaging. Setting advance rules, clear consequences, keeping consistent, and having parents work together are essential. It’s easier said then done, and really hard work, but worth every second of the rewards our family reaped.
I remember teachers telling me that kids need structure and your son especially. So very true.
When we first started this process, we asked the psychiatrist, “well what if they don’t comply?” There was dead silence. We got the picture.